november 29th 2025, the weekend just started but it feels like forever, i don't know if that's a good thing or not.
in a way, i still think i love you. those feelings i developped are so hard to let go of but at the same time i can't keep holding on to them. it's causing so much harm to me but i keep thinking maybe things can change, maybe one last discussion would help? i sound like a broken record right now.
it feels like i did so much things for you to kinda notice me, it may have worked but at what cost? just for everything to get ruined in so little time? it's unbelievable. i can't make up my mind, i don't know what i need deep down, do i wanna be far from you or closer? i don't know if i'm crying because you said you didn't like me back, if it's because i think you're lying to me or because of what you did to me?
my mom told me this kind of thing happens to almost everyone, a "stolen kiss", but you stole much more from me than that. my sense of self, my feelings, my hope, i yearn for it all to come back because it hurts so much.
if loving someone hurts this much i'd rather never love again, but i kinda also don't wanna be completely alone. i've always hoped you might feel the same way about me but now i realize i was probably right. you never felt the same, but i just wish you told me that.
i also, maybe, wanna talk to you one last time to get full closure, maybe not if you felt the same way though. i don't know. it feels like things haven't ended properly and the way we've lost contact makes me feel hopeless. i want a real explanation.
i've already said this, i think, but i could've probably made peace with it already if it was because you actually liked me back.
november 28th 2025, i couldn't bear to not talk about what happened to someone, it was weighing down on me so much i genuinely couldn't take the pressure of it. i told everything that happened to one of my teachers yesterday, she directly told me this was assault and i guess i already knew it was.
i've had to get out of class on several occasions, i kept crying and hiding away just thinking about what you did that day.
i think what broke me the most is when you told me nothing was going on between us, that you just kissed me for no reason. it's so hard to believe but if that's actually the case then this is awful.
i feel used, like you were trying to make fun of me in a way and trying to hurt me. i don't even know wether or not i actually love you now.
seeing you, smelling you and even knowing you're there puts me in this state of distress now, it makes me want to hide away forever. i've been alternating between completely hating you for what you did to me to trying to understand and wondering if there's maybe something i missed or that you didn't actually tell me.
we used to be in the same class group but you were hopped from another just today, it's a bit reassuring for me but i don't think it's really fixing my issues. if anything it's making me wonder even more if i did the right thing to talk about it to someone.
we lost contact now, you blocked me on discord and so did i. it makes me feel so many different things at once and i hate it.
i've been thinking of ways to get back at you, for how you've hurt me. not anything extreme either, at worst it was just telling everybody what you did to me and just watch everybody drop contact from you.
i'm still so lost, i don't know if i did the right thing or not. deep down i still wanna talk about it with you to maybe understand more, but at the same time i can't even stand being in the place as you or even knowing you're somewhere out there.

worst of all for me is to just see how indifferent you were acting this whole week, acting like nothing was wrong and kept talking to others like everything was fine.

i think you knew all along too that i took a liking to you, that's why i think that maybe you used me. you directly told the teacher too that i was hitting on you, while i did like you the worst thing i could've possibly really done was leave discord statuses with song lyrics (or just how i was feeling at the moment), sitting next to you and watching you play. You didn't even really mind the last two things since the same day you kissed me, you scooted over to the next seat at lunch and told me i could come over if i wanted & when i told you i was watching you play roblox you didn't mind it at all.
i don't even know what you were thinking, i thinks that's what's really haunting me deep down. if i knew what really lead you to do this maybe i could make peace with it and forgive you, deep down i don't wanna believe the fact that you would just do that to me out of nowhere.
or maybe you're just also a bad person, that's also a possibility. i don't fucking know anymore, i feel like i don't belong here anymore, i don't feel like myself.
november 21st 2025, you kissed me.
i don't know how to feel, it was so sudden.
my heart was already rushing when you told me to meet you in the bathroom, i was so scared i didn't know what you wanted to talk about. maybe there's actually hope after all, this kiss isn't really clearly answering my questions either but maybe that's just my constant doubts speaking.
i wish you'd just tell me now, we really gotta talk about this.

it's only been three months since we met too, it feels really early but i guess sometimes it doesn't take much time to fall for someone.
in a way, when you told me to meet there, i had my suspicions we would maybe talk about something like this. i wasn't too far off and it's kinda scary to think about.
honestly i wasn't really against it, i was just more surprised, it happened so fast.

whats next now?

this is for someone that highly likely will recognize himself if he reads it, i'm scared to make this public but i want to so. i'm sorry in advance
Honestly i don't even know where to start since i have no clue how those feelings started. I guess it's probably because I see a lot of aspects in you that i relate to a lot? But at the same time I feel like there's something I'm missing entirely. I kinda wish I didn't feel the way I did about you more because I think it won't lead to anything since you most likely don't like me the way I like you.
But, behind all those "what-if" thoughts there's also the ones where you might just feel the same and I guess that's what keeps those feelings i have for you going. I wish we would talk more, it feels like you're kinda mirroring how socially anxious I am all the time and i feel like that's something that makes it harder for both of us.

I REALLY JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU

cuz ur really all that's on my mind rn

I wonder if you're thinking about me now?

do u think of me? just tell me now

I wonder all the time if you feel the same as i do, not neccessarily in terms of how i like you but mostly everything else, it's hard to explain.

u make me so uneasy yet so comfortable

'Don't know if i love you, or just relate to you

Wish i could put my finger on what i'm feeling now.

Feel too much at once, need to calm down.

The thing is I really wanna talk with you. but at the same time what would we even talk about? Honestly sometimes i can feel my heart pounding when i'm close to you. If there's a moment where that was really the case it's when i joined you on roblox for the first time, the idea of doing it was already really stressful and i was scared i would do something wrong or say something wrong. I guess the only reason i joined was because i was tired of not doing shit, i already had sent you a friend request so i there wasnt really any reason for me to not be able to join, i guess? I still don't know, honestly even when you joined me for the first time too i was hoping you'd talk about it when we would meet the next day, but we didn't, not even when i joined you.

And now I think, what do i need from you?

All i'm feeling for you is very much out of emotionnal desire, that's the best way for me to describe it. Your gaze.
I feel like i could just get lost in your eyes, maybe i already have
at the same time i feel like we're too distant too, there's instances where you're much more able than i am and it kinda makes me feel like shit, like all this time i've spent living has been for nothing and that i haven't accomplished a single thing that's worth the praise, only small meaningless feats.
it kinda makes me wanna completely blame it on my disability, but at the same time you also have it so maybe i'm just not good enough

I guess i must've caught feelings for you.
I guess it tortures me and nurtures you.
I feel so helpless and it brings me pain.
That all this love I feel might be in vain.

So, going back to that question. How did it start?
I still don't know, maybe just the fact you've been kinda nice to me? But at the same time that was honestly just basic respect and interactions between classmates. Maybe thats why, I just felt so isolated all that time and you kinda broke me out of it.
You kinda gave me back that part of humanity I thought some people never saw in me, sometimes i feel like i'm so different from everyone else that it just makes it impossible for me to interact with others... and maybe i still feel that way. I hate it.

I don't even know if i'm articulating everything i'm thinking the way i'm actually feeling it, i've just been typing all this time to get everything out but it's not gonna change anything until i tell you. I don't even know if i'll end up doing that since it's most likely a lost cause, i'm so scared of some things that happened before to me repeating that i'm getting ready for the worst.

It feels like i'm running out of time even though there's still plenty, i kinda want this school year to last forever if it means i get to be near you. That's all i really want right now.